Moody Teenage Whining (and my heart)

So, If you are reading this, it is likely that you have also read the story I wrote a while ago, called "I Walk Alone" (if not, go read it and then come back to this). In this story, I explored another aspect of this whole love for heart beats that I have. 


As some of you probably know, I have struggled for a few years with depressive episodes. These vary quite a bit from having an hour where I feel like crying for no reason to a week where I really can't even find the motivation to get out of bed. I refused to be medicated, so these moods pretty much come and go as they please. ( This may sound like a bad idea to some, but please don't judge me based on my decisions.)


When I wrote that story, I was going into one of these episodes. It was one of those times where I go from feeling perfectly fine, to just feeling like there's no point to my life and just being really depressed in general. This particular episode was fairly moderate, but it gave a different dimension to this heart- thing I have.


I really love music, and there are some songs that I like to listen to because I think they let me be able to feel my emotional pain more completely, (which helps me). The song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day has always been one of those songs. 
Here it is, if you haven't heard it.

While listening to it, I noticed that there were two lines that I really kind of felt connected with. "My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating" and "Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive". I don't know exactly why, but I really can understand the idea of having to actually check to see if your heart is beating, just to know that you are alive, because you don't feel like you are. This whole little story plot line formed from that, and that would be "I Walk Alone".

For me, hearts have been romantic, sexual, comforting, and other things as well, but during these episodes, I've found that my heart can be a comfort in a whole other way. I have spent several nights just listening to my heart beating, not doing holds or anything, but just listening to it, and knowing that I am alive and trying to remember that things will get better soon.. I honestly am not sure why it helps me so much, but it does. 

At school, (when it was in session) I stole a few moments a day to (very covertly) put my hand over my heart and feel it steadily beating. It was kind of a way to connect with myself a bit especially when I was stressed.

Although it might sound a bit weird. I like the fact that my heart is something that can comfort me and calm me. I think it is important to be in touch with your own heart more that anything else.