5 things to do while you're waiting for HBP to be back up

Yay! The HBP site went down a few days ago, this means that it'll be back up ( and much more functional) in a matter of days/weeks. The absence of the site might leave too much free time for some though, so here are 5 things to do while we're waiting:

1. Build/upgrade your steth mic
If you're into sharing, now's the perfect time to make some adjustments to your design. If you've never shared, but you're interested, it's a great time to start working on one. Feel free to email me or comment  if you'd like help on getting started!

2. Write Write Write!!
Ever had a dream or a secret fantasy related to this? Now is the perfect time to write it down. And DON'T say you can't write or that you aren't good at it. Anyone who is literate can learn how to write amazing things, the first step is simple to start writing!

3. Create a blog or a tumblr
Blogging can be so much fun, it's a chance to let your thoughts be heard and it's also a good place to be able to post your feelings, ideas, ect. It's interesting to be able to look back and remember the things you did and the things you thought about in the past.

4. Read and/or add to another site
There are tons of blogs and other things out there. You could add a story to a site like fanfiction.com or you could submit something to http://cardiophile-problems.tumblr.com/ .

5. Listen to someone's heart
Because it's awesome. Snuggle up with a significant other or a close friend, or use the time to 
finally tell someone how you feel about them (or their heart) 

I'm excited to see what the site updates bring, and I bet many of you are too. 
Until then, there are plenty of things to do.
Lily

How's my heart?

Wow, time sure seems to have flown.

Things have been getting better for the most part: I've been writing a lot and doing homework (of course), Thanksgiving came and went and was pretty decent, I've gotten to spend time with friends as well as my love.

The "heart-related" part of my life has shrunk dramatically in recent months, it's mainly involved two things in my life, writing and my boyfriend. I've also found that I'm not really so drawn to it outside of these two things, I mean, I still feel uncomfortable when someone starts talking about the subject of hearts, but it doesn't drift into my mind like it used to. 

Of course, as it has shrunk, the two remaining aspects have become much more important. Writing-wise, I have two short-stories that I'm working on that I'll probably be posting in the next few weeks. Boyfriend-wise, I've gotten to listen to his heart quite a bit. This is also where the title for this post comes from. Today we were just kind of hanging out, laying on my bed and talking and stuff and after a while we both kind of stopped talking. He was laying on his back (which was rather tempting for me) and so I rolled over and placed my head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around me and held me there while I listened and after about 10 minutes, when I was done, he asked in the sweetest way "How's my heart?". Of course I blushed (because I still have some problems with saying or even hearing someone say the word "heart") and I told him that it sounds wonderful.

Random Thought: I think that people who date cardiophiles are actually quite lucky. They have a partner who knows (in many cases) what kinds of murmurs and other sounds should be checked out by a doctor, and also, that person is more than willing to take a good long listen to their heart anytime.  I'm surprised that so many of my HBP friends are single, although I guess that most of them would be reluctant to go up to a guy/girl and say "Hey, I enjoy listening to heartbeats, want to go out for drinks sometime?". Still though, it seems like it'd certainly be a good thing.

Well, it's been a while

I really don't know what's going on.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing that really makes me happy is when I can just relax with my boyfriend.
Everything else either makes me stressed or apathetic.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep dealing with this.
I know it's not healthy that the only time I feel truly happy is when I get to listen to his heart, and be in his arms.
I know I should probably get help.
Logic would say that a therapist is a good idea.
But for my own sanity, I refuse.
I don't do therapy, I just don't.
I guess that the only thing there really is to do is to spend the time I can with my boyfriend.
And to just try to plow through everything else the best I can.


I'll hopefully get the motivation to post about something interesting later.
I suppose we'll see.

Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.

The Doctor (part 2)

Well, I survived... I suppose that's a good thing...

Basically, I went through the normal motions (weight, height, ect.). I had to wait a while for the doctor, and felt myself getting a bit anxious. When the doctor came into the room I tried to calm myself and hopped onto the table. I could feel my heart speeding up as she took my pulse, although that may have been due to the energy drink I downed about 3 hours before. She didn't comment much, which was good.
Finally, the moment I had been dreading, she took out her stethoscope and placed it on my chest. I sat there starting at the corner of the room and trying to pretend I wasn't there.
She finished that pretty fast and then had me lay down so she could listen again. She asked if I had a murmur (and I said I didn't think so). Then the rest of the normal stuff happened, I got 2 shots and also got some news I really wish I hadn't have had to get (I'll be ok though).
So, now I'm finally done, it didn't suck too much and I'm done for a year!

The Doctor

Well, it's getting to be that time of the year again... I have to go to the doctor for a physical.
I've generally been in fairly good health, so I haven't had to go to the doctor too much, but that's only made me more nervous about it.

I remember when I was little, probably about 10, I made a plan to be able to use the doctor's stethoscope on myself. I decided that I would act normal when the doctor came in, and I'd let her go about her business, and then, I would either ask if I could use her stethoscope or I would distract her and make her forget it in the room with me.

I anticipated this for weeks until the day of my appointment. I went in, went through the initial history, temperature, ect stuff. Next, the doctor held my wrist and took my pulse. She asked twice if I was nervous, and I kept saying no. 
That actually wasn't a lie, I wasn't nervous, I was excited. I could feel my heart reacting to my thoughts, as I imagined again how I'd casually ask the doctor to just leave the stethoscope in the room with me for a few minutes. The doctor finally took it from around her neck and placed the cold stethoscope on my chest. 
"Are you sure you're not nervous?" She said, sounding a little bit concerned.
"No," I said meekly
"Oh," She said "Your heart's beating pretty fast considering that you haven't been exercising,"
That turned out to be the wrong thing for her to say, I felt myself blush, and then turned my head so she wouldn't see it.
"It sounds nice and strong though," she told me
I refused to look at her, and was actually somewhat relieved when she finally put the stethoscope back around her neck and finished the examination. She turned to leave, and I hopped off the table so I could change into my clothes again, completely forgetting about the things I had planned to do. I was just glad that she was done talking about my heart.

The years after that were more or less the same, minus the extensive planning to borrow her stethoscope. I decided that it was easier to make do with my mother's steth (see My first HB experience) than to risk having the doctor learn about my interest.

Some things have happened recently and I'm not really nervous about visiting the doctor this year, at least not for that reason. Right now, I actually am dreading having my heart listened to. It just seems like such an invasion of myself, to let some random person use a cold metal device to be able to share in something that's always been really personal for me. I'm hoping everything goes alright though, and I'll be posting a follow-up later (hopefully).

Sick (and very tired)

So I don't know what exactly happened, but I woke up this morning feeling like someone had scraped the inside of my throat with sandpaper. I had to go to school, which sucked, but after I got home, I went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up with the weirdest feeling, I was really hot and my heart was absolutely pounding. Although on a normal day, I'd probably think it was cool and take a listen or something, but today it just really annoyed me.

I actually got kind of angry, but I was too tired to get up and try to do anything about it, so I pretty much kicked off my covers and turned on some music in an attempt to calm down.
Right now, I'm at about 80, which seems pretty good to me, consideiring that I have a fever of like 100.
The good news is that I shouldn't have to go to school tomorrow, because I'm sick. I'm hoping I'll have time for a more interesting post then.

6 random things I'm thinking about

1. The biology class I'm taking this year. I've already looked through the textbook and we're going to be learning about human anatomy this year.  I'm really not looking forward to it. I already know that I'm going to have to let somebody take my pulse and sit through at least an hour of the teacher talking about hearts and all of that stuff and I just don't want to do it! I even hate the word heart! I also have no clue what I'm going to do in class because I really can't say the word "heart", like not at all...

2. My heart stopping. I've always found it a bit intriguing, I guess, thinking about my heart just stopping (and thus me dying). Death seems like a strange concept too, on one hand it seems peaceful, but it also just seems kind of weird. I guess there's just something about the fact that the transition between life and death can be so quick that just kind of fascinates me. I'm also really not scared of death, which I suppose is good, although I'm terrified of losing people I love. It's just kind of an odd thing for me to think about, one moment my heart is beating and I'm alive. The next moment, it stops and I'm more or less dead (my physical body is technically dead).

3. The nature of this interest. It's starting to change, but to my surprise, I'm actually getting less interested in the interest. Also, I've found that I am much more interested in cuddling and ear stething than I am in doing an actual examination with a stethoscope or anything that's sexual. I guess it's just another change though, maybe things will change more. 

4. The song Better Than Drugs by Skillet. Yes, it says the word "heartbeat" like 10 times, but I just love this song. A Lot.

5. Coffee. Because I love caffeine, way more than I should. My boyfriend says that he worries that I'm going to have a few too many energy drinks and have problems, but I don't think that will happen. I think it's sweet that he cares though. He told me that he cares about my heart and wants to make sure that I'm ok. I find it a bit interesting, but also a little sad, that sometimes he worries about my and my health more than I do.

6. My boyfriend, because I love him to death. And because he's amazing and he's so accepting of this interest, which I love!

Anyway, that's about what I'm thinking, minus some of the scary hell-ish stuff that is my mind. I'm gonna go get some coffee and then probably go to bed, because that's pretty much what I do.

A sweet moment for me

So, I've been coping with stuff a lot better now, and I think I'm getting better.

Yesterday, I got to spend some time with my boyfriend, which was awesome because I hadn't seen him in a while. He seems like he's really getting into my little heart interest. While we were watching a movie, he put his arms around me and just kind of held me for a bit. A couple minutes into the movie I noticed that his hand had moved a bit lower and was resting directly over my heart. He kept it there for a while and commented once that I must have gotten a bit scared because my heart was beating much quicker.

After the movie, we were just kind of sitting around and talking. We had kind of a quiet moment and I slowly slid my hand up his shirt and put it over his heart. I noticed that if was beating faster than it usually is, and when I commented, he seemed happy about it, and laid down so I could put my ear on his chest to listen, which was awesome.

Generally, it was a really sweet and nice day for me and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

My First Stethoscope

Guess what, Story time again!

It was mid-December of 2010. For the first time, I was ordering presents for my family online by myself. This also meant, that I had the perfect excuse to buy something and keep it a secret. I knew just what I wanted too. I had spent a few years lusting over my mother's stethoscope, but had never had the nerve to take it from her bathroom. I spent hours looking online, so eager about finally being able to get a stethoscope of my own. Finally, I settled on a dual head model by Prestige Medical(which was about 15 dollars). I quickly selected the rest of the gifts I planned to give for Christmas and bought everything. I was so excited that night, because I knew that in a few short days, it would be mine.

These few short days turned out to be long anxious days. In my mind, I went through every horrible scenario imaginable: What if the box said the word "Stethoscope" on it? Or maybe it would say "Prestige Medical"? What if my mom opens it accidentally? Or she opens it on purpose?

Finally, after days of waiting, I heard the doorbell ring. I ran downstairs and got the box, thankful that all it said was "Amazon.com". I rushed back to my room with it, explaining to my mother that I wanted to wrap everyone's presents before they could have a chance to accidentally see them.

Once I had locked myself safely in my room, I ripped open the box and removed the other items, revealing my treasure, at the very bottom. It was in a small box, about the size of a medium sized book. I opened it, and grinned, then quickly took off my shirt, to try it out.

I spent close to an hour experimenting with the bell and diaphragm, when my mom called me for dinner, I stashed it under my pillow and quickly gulped down my food, so I could go back to my room. I spent all evening and a large portion of the night listening to my heart, completely fascinated.

These days, I'm not quite as excited about using my stethoscope, but it's still interesting every once in a while. Even though the excitement has dies down, I will never forget the thrill I felt of having a stethoscope of my very own.

Music to my Ears

Well, I'm back, after a bit of very questionable mental stability and a bunch of stuff I'd rather not mention. In recent days, I've been relying a lot on music to keep my mind in a fairly decent state. Today, I was listening to a song I really like, when I noticed something really interesting in it (skip to 1:39 or 2:05 if you want to get straight to the point).

 

So I was caught off guard by that, but I thought it was kind of cool.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot more about how my love for music and my enjoyment of the sound of a heartbeat. I think that they really are quite connected. I am especially fond of dubstep and I think that one of the reasons I like it so much is that most dubstep songs have a very strong beat to them. It may seem odd to try to relate heartbeats and music that is usually seen as violent or irritating, but I think that it makes sense. One of the things I enjoy about the sound of a heartbeat is that it is steady and rhythmic. I think that in some senses, many people who love music enjoy it because of this.

So here, my theory that there are many people who are like me and people on HBP in the enjoyment of heartbeats, seems quite possible. I think that people often are looking for something that is stable. Many people can find this in music, with beats from drums or other instruments that are repetitive and evenly spaced. Others can find this in the sound that I and others enjoy, the sound of a heartbeat.

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts about a connection between heartbeats and music, hopefully I will be able to be back to blogging more often.

Moody Teenage Whining (and my heart)

So, If you are reading this, it is likely that you have also read the story I wrote a while ago, called "I Walk Alone" (if not, go read it and then come back to this). In this story, I explored another aspect of this whole love for heart beats that I have. 


As some of you probably know, I have struggled for a few years with depressive episodes. These vary quite a bit from having an hour where I feel like crying for no reason to a week where I really can't even find the motivation to get out of bed. I refused to be medicated, so these moods pretty much come and go as they please. ( This may sound like a bad idea to some, but please don't judge me based on my decisions.)


When I wrote that story, I was going into one of these episodes. It was one of those times where I go from feeling perfectly fine, to just feeling like there's no point to my life and just being really depressed in general. This particular episode was fairly moderate, but it gave a different dimension to this heart- thing I have.


I really love music, and there are some songs that I like to listen to because I think they let me be able to feel my emotional pain more completely, (which helps me). The song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day has always been one of those songs. 
Here it is, if you haven't heard it.

While listening to it, I noticed that there were two lines that I really kind of felt connected with. "My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating" and "Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive". I don't know exactly why, but I really can understand the idea of having to actually check to see if your heart is beating, just to know that you are alive, because you don't feel like you are. This whole little story plot line formed from that, and that would be "I Walk Alone".

For me, hearts have been romantic, sexual, comforting, and other things as well, but during these episodes, I've found that my heart can be a comfort in a whole other way. I have spent several nights just listening to my heart beating, not doing holds or anything, but just listening to it, and knowing that I am alive and trying to remember that things will get better soon.. I honestly am not sure why it helps me so much, but it does. 

At school, (when it was in session) I stole a few moments a day to (very covertly) put my hand over my heart and feel it steadily beating. It was kind of a way to connect with myself a bit especially when I was stressed.

Although it might sound a bit weird. I like the fact that my heart is something that can comfort me and calm me. I think it is important to be in touch with your own heart more that anything else.

I Walk Alone

I Walk Alone

A story inspired by personal experience and the song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” By Green Day

Warning: This story deals with a mentally unstable, somewhat suicidal person and could be disturbing to some people, if you are easily disturbed, don’t read it.
Also: Trigger warning for self harm

I Walk Alone
by Lily J. P.

I lay on my bed.
Not sleeping.
Thinking.
Trying to find a reason for my feelings.
I can't figure out how they started;
I don’t know when this is going to end.
All I know is that I have to get out.
Right now.
The light blue walls of my bedroom smother me.
I'm drowning, I can't handle this anymore.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I cross the room, pick up my phone from the nightstand. A second thought makes me open the drawer and remove my pocket knife. I shove them into my pocket. I walk up the stairs, it’s quiet, everyone has already gone to bed. I slip on my black sweatshirt, zipping it half way and put on a pair of shoes. My hand sweeps a key from the hook on the wall and I silently open the door. The cool air brushes over my skin as I lock the door, then place the key in my pocket.

I walk down my driveway and onto the sidewalk. The neighborhood is silent except for the sound of my footsteps, echoing softly off the houses. I can't think, my mind is numb. I keep walking.

My footsteps take me along a path, past aspen trees and a grassy field. I eventually find myself in a park, the same one I used to play tag at when I was seven and the place I had my first kiss when I was twelve. It is deserted except for a few birds, quiet in their nests

My shoes crunch the soft sand as I walk to the swing set. I sit down and push myself slightly with my feet. I sigh, it isn't getting better this time. Guilt crushes me, but I can't find the source. There is an emptiness filling my chest. All I want is for it to end. I glance around and then reach into my pocket and pull out the knife.
I open it slowly, see the shimmer of the blade in the soft moonlight. I roll up my sleeve and bring the knife to my wrist, observing the thin veins there. I make a small short line with the sharp tip of my knife. It burns for a second and I feel a small shiver of pain go down my spine. There is relief there though, as if my emotions are seeping out from the wound. I watch a drop of blood roll down and drip onto the sand. I bury it with one swift kick of my foot and move the blade to make another mark.

The soft sound of footsteps startles me, I look behind me and see a boy, who looked to be about my age. I recognize him from school, but we'd never said more than a few words to each other. The streetlight casts a shadow over his sandy blond hair, but as he moves closer, I notice his deep blue eyes, that seem to pierce into my soul. Quickly I fold the blade and slip it into my pocket. I roll my sleeve up, hoping he didn't notice it.

"Nice night to be out here, isn't it?" He asks softly.

I nod slowly but remain silent.

"Mind if I sit with you?" He asks.

I shake my head and he sits on the swing next to me.

I put my foot down to push my swing forward, when my knife falls out of my pocket. He stops and bends down to pick it up. I reach out my hand to take it and then jerk it back, when I notice the tiny trickle of crimson from my wound.

It was too late though, he had already seen it. My eyes tear up in shame, and I run away from him, heading towards the darkness of the few tall trees in the park. A few seconds later, he appears beside me, breathing a bit faster. He grabs my unmarked wrist softly. "Come with me," He says, taking my hand.

I oblige, what else could I do? The neighbors would call the police if I screamed and there was nowhere else to run.

I follow him to a secluded bench and he motions for me to sit down. He sits next to me. We are both silent for a few moments.

Finally he speaks "Why did you come here?" he asked me.

I pause for a moment, trying to think of a lie.

"I can handle the truth," he says, as if reading my mind.

"I couldn't sleep, there were just too many feelings and I had to get out. I just didn't know what else to do," I tell him

He nods, and then gently takes hold of my no-longer-bleeding wrist.

"Why did you do this?" he asks

"It was the only thing that could take me out of this pain," I tell him.

He put his arm slowly around me, "I see," He says simply.

He takes my hand in his, and softly places my hand a bit above my left breast.

"Feel that?" He asks

I nod, feeling my heart beating under my hand.

"It means that you're alive. You have a purpose here, and you need to stay alive to find it," He says, seriously.

I shiver a bit and he pulls me closer to him.

He holds me in his arms for a few minutes, neither of us daring to say a word. I feel my eyes slowly starting to shut and I lay my head on his chest. His heart's slow, steady rhythm comforts me and in a few minutes, I doze off, listening to his heart while still feeling mine.

A while later, he gently shakes my shoulder, waking me. "Had a nice nap?" he asks kindly.

I nod groggily "How long did I sleep? What time is it?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. "A little after 5," He tells me, grinning slightly.

"Wow, almost 3 hours," I say

"You seemed like you could use the sleep," He says, then gestures to my hand, still over my heart, "How are you doing?" He asks.

"Still alive," I tell him, smiling weakly.

"I'm glad you are," he says.

"So why exactly were you out here so late?" I ask him

"Chronic insomniac," He replies, "I like to walk at night, I usually go towards the lake, but for some reason, I really felt like going by the park,"

"Thank you for being here for me," I tell him.

"No problem, everyone needs someone sometimes," He says

We sit in comfortable quiet for a minute.

This time I break the silence, "Why did you help me? Why did you even talk to me? I didn't think you even knew I existed,"

"I helped you because I care and I could tell you needed it. Of course I knew you existed. I used to watch you sit in the library with your notebook. i always wondered what you were writing about. If maybe something in there was about me... " he trails off

I feel a blush rising in my cheeks, "I did write about you, a few times actually,"

He smiles, looking a bit pleased.

We sit for a while longer, then he looks up at the sky, now slightly pink with the sunrise. "You should be getting home," he comments, "Your parents will wonder."

I nod in agreement and he slowly stands, then helps me up. We walk slowly to my house, hand in hand.

At the front door, he gives me a hug and turns to go. He puts his hand in his pocket and then turns back to me, holding the knife. "Here," he says, holding it out to me.

I shake my head, "I can't...I don't want it,"

He smiles slightly and puts it back in his pocket, "I'll hold on to it for you, then," he says.

I move to hug him again, "Thank you," I tell him.

I walk inside and watch through the window as he walks down the driveway. I go to my room and lie on my bed, trying to forget the last time I was there.

I place my hand on my chest, over my heart and feel the beat of my life. I wonder a bit about what my purpose might be, or where my future might take me but slowly, I drift into sleep, finally at peace.

Sleep (or lack thereof)

So, I don't know why exactly, but I've been finding it difficult to get to sleep recently, but have had some things that have helped me.

First, This Video:

This has been one of the few things that has been able to help me get to sleep the past few nights. For any fellow insomniacs, TRY IT! The actual song is fairly loud, but when I turn it down a bit, it's perfect for a little bit of music and the beat in the background, which I like. ;)

Another thing that has been helpful to me, has actually been listening to my own heart. I don't know what it is exactly about the sound of my heart beating, but it is incredibly soothing to me. I will sometimes just lay on my back and listen to my heart for a while and it starts to make me a bit sleepy (so then I quickly try to hide my stethoscope before I wake up all the way)

If you don't want to run the risk of getting caught, there are also some slow and quite relaxing hb files on hbp or Youtube.
Happy Sleeping!
Lily

An excerpt from my Novel, Delusion

 This is a short scene from my novel, Delusion. My main character, Haylee is in a mental hospital for some reasons that are tough to explain. She tried to commit suicide (and was enabled by a very attractive, idiotic nurse's aide) and is in the urgent care unit when this takes place.


I opened my eyes and saw Matthew standing there, his eyes were dark and shiny as they were the last time I saw him, a few nights ago. He looked at me, his concern apparent on his face. "Haylee, What were you thinking? Why on earth did you do it?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes, "You wouldn't understand, No one possibly could," I said to the ceiling.
He reached out a cautious hand and brushed my cheek, I looked up at him. He reached out his arm to help me sit up, then he took an extra pillow from the empty bed across from mine and put it behind my back. I leaned back into the pillow and gave him a small nod of gratitude.
"So, What exactly happened?" He said softly, gazing into my eyes.
"I told you, you couldn't possibly understand it," I told him, a little bit harsher.
He smiled just a bit, "Haylee, I was in the bed next to that one 3 days ago, Try me."
He took my hand in his.
I smiled a little, and started "Ok, This is going to sound really weird..."
He grinned mischievously, "Does it involve blue monkeys wearing ties or pink cheetahs from Jupiter?"
I giggled "I said that it is weird, not that I do shrooms".
He stuck out his tongue at me, a little child-like gesture.
"Ok then, talk." He said, "Or should I ask Dr. Reynolds to come and psychoanalyze it out of you?"
I groaned, "Ok,ok, I'm talking"
He eagerly sat on the bed next to my feet, I began "I guess everything started when I was little, maybe about 8 years old,"
"Is that where the cheetahs come in?" He asked, jokingly.
"I'm not going to talk if you interrupt me," I said.
He feigned zipping his mouth shut, and then locked it and threw away the key, he folded his hands neatly in his lap.
I giggled a bit at the childlike expectant look on his face.
"ok," I said, "When I was eight, a girl appeared in my room one day. I named her Lindy. She was my friend, until she tried to end my life."
"Oooh, mysterious," he said.
I gave him a look.
"sorry, I know," he said with a sheepish grin
"Anyway, first she was my friend, and then she went away, disappeared into thin air, for a few years. And then she came back, and she was skinnier and scarier. She made me stop eating and my parents put me in the hospital for 2 weeks. She went away after that, for a little while anyway. She's back now, I don't know what she wants but she tried to kill me, that's why my parents first put me in here." I stopped talking.
He stared at me for a few seconds. "Wow Haylee, I think I was wrong about you," He said "I think you really might be insane,"
I slapped his arm playfully
"But seriously though, What made you try to pull that stunt? They don't let anyone out of the hospital for a week after a suicide attempt" He told me
I sighed, "I know, It just seemed like a quick way to get out of this madness. My parents think I'm insane, my friends are scared of me, and my imaginary friend from when I was 7 is trying to kill me."
He stood up and came to sit on the bed right next to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a tender embrace. I pressed my ear closer to his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat and he held me tighter.
"Matt?" I said.
"Yes?" he whispered
"I love you," I told him
He pulled me back from him and stared into my eyes. I could see something changing in his eyes, unthawing.
"I love you too, Haylee," he said softly.

One of the nurses tapped me on the shoulder. I turned away from Matthew for a second and noticed that the other nurses had left the room. "Are you hungry dear? Would you like me to go get you some food?"

"Yes please," I said.
She winked at me, "Alright, be good you two, I'll be right back,"
She left the room and I looked at Matthew, he smiled at me and put his arm over my shoulders.
"So what do we do now?" I asked him.

"Well, first we need to get you out of here," he said, "You're going to be on suicide watch for the next week, but you need to convince Dr. Reynolds that you aren't going to try to kill yourself,"
"But I'm not," I told him.
"I know," he said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. I leaned my head on him a bit below his shoulder.
"What are you thinking about right now?" Matthew asked me, after a minute or so of silence.
"How much I love the sound of your heart beating right now," I replied.
He looked down at me, "I'm glad yours still is," He said solemnly.
I sighed, "I promise I'll stay alive if you will," I said
He seemed to think for a moment, and then said seriously "Ok, I promise I will,"
He smiled slightly and then tipped my chin up and kissed me lightly.

My First Online Share

So, I've been a member of HBP since July of 2010, but for many reasons, I chose not to share on chat. About 10 minutes ago, I concluded my second sharing session online. It's really quite an unusual feeling, hearing your heart (I always like to listen when i'm sharing) and knowing that other people can hear it and it's reactions to emotions, exercise, ect.

The first time I shared, I signed into the chat and I was so nervous. I don't know why I was nervous, probably a mix of coffee, excitement, and being scared of getting caught by my mother. I turned on the audio control and noticed that people started listening. I got even more excited as people commented on it.
I shared for about 45 minutes (until my computer started being weird) and it was really an awesome experience.

After sharing, I felt a bit guilty for allowing people I don't know listen to my heart, but after thinking about it more, I felt better about it. My boyfriend did get to hear it before everyone else, which I liked, but also I realized that my heart is no less special because other people have been allowed to enjoy it. If anything, it's a bit more so.

I look forward to sharing again sometime, and although I don't think I'll ever feel quite the same way as I did that first time (in good and bad ways), each share is different and exciting in it's own way.

Adorable Little Thing I Found

Hey, I don't know if any of you guys have heard about this, but there is a new product that may be available to the public at some time. It's called Pillow Talk. Basically it's a pillow that comes with a chest strap sensor, the point being that you and your significant other can both be laying on your pillows and hearing each others heartbeats in real time.

Personally I think that this is so incredibly romantic, What do you think?
I also really like the video for it:

Here's some other information about it :)
http://www.fashioningtech.com/profiles/blogs/pillow-talk-networking-long

Contemplating my interest

I've spent a lot of time this morning thinking about my interest in heartbeats. It's definitely not a common thing for a person to like, but in a way, it kind of is. I have read many things online about people who love listening to their significant other's heart. I think that in a way, it is human nature to enjoy the sound of a heartbeat. To me, a heartbeat isn't just a sound. It's life. I think one of the reasons I love heartbeats so much is just because it is so comforting to feel or hear someone's heart because it reminds me that they are alive. This may seem strange, ("of course they are alive, they are talking, moving, breathing) but I suppose that I always kind of like the reassurance. Then there is another aspect that I don't explore so much. There is a part of this interest that is (somewhat) sexually exciting. I suppose that part of this is that I get to be close to someone when I'm listening to their heart. I also think it's very interesting when their heart gets faster when they get excited, but I think I also like it because although you can lie about your feelings with facial expressions and words, your heart can't lie.

Well there was an interesting trip through my mind. Have you ever thought about it? Why do you think that you like heartbeats so much?

Writers Block

So, as you probably know, I love love LOVE to write.
I have posted several stories on the HBP Forums, if you are interested in reading them.
Recently I've been having a bad case of writers block.
This is where you, the reader of this blog, get to help me.
If you have any fantasies, or other things you would like me to write about, please send them to me at lilyofthevalley2020@gmail.com .
Thank you

My First HB Experience (and what happened next)

The first heart-related experience I can remember was on a summer afternoon when I was about 8 years old.

I was bored and so I started looking through the drawers in the bathroom, searching for confiscated toys.
After a while, I found a little black bag in a drawer. I was curious so I opened it. Inside the bag, to my delight was a stethoscope and a blood pressure cuff. I quickly went and closed and locked the door, because I was scared that my father would see me, and took the stethoscope out of the bag.

I lifted my shirt and placed the stethoscope on my chest. I moved it a bit and suddenly I was overcome with the weirdest feeling. I was hearing the sound of my heart beating, and for some reason I didn't really understand, I loved it.

I sat there for a while enjoying the sound and then an interesting thought occurred to me. I took the stethoscope off and stood up and started running in place as quickly and quietly as I could. I put my hand over my heart and felt it beating quickly so I stopped and put the stethoscope on. When I placed the diaphragm to my chest, I was amazed, my heart was pounding loudly and was much faster than it has been.

Suddenly, I was startled by a knock on the door. My heart began to beat faster. "Lily?" My mother said, "What was all of that banging? Are you ok?"

I shoved the stethoscope into it's bag, put it into the drawer and closed it as quietly as I could. "Yes mom, I'm fine," I said.

"Could you please open the door?" My mom asked.
I unlocked the door and opened it.
"What were you doing?" She asked
"Nothing," I told her, and then walked past her out of the bathroom

After that day, when I was alone and bored, I would sneak into the bathroom and listen to my heart. I experimented with exercising and holding my breath and enjoyed hearing the effects these things had on my heart.

A few years passed, my interest stayed pretty constant but when I finally turned 13 and got a computer of my own, things got interesting. I would go online after everyone had gone to bed and use google to read about stethoscopes and the heart. After a while, I started to get a bit concerned. My little interest was beginning to make me feel weird in public. I would see some kids running and wonder about their hearts and I would be so curious about what my heart was doing at different times. Somehow, I heard the word fetish and learned it's meaning, so one night, I googled "heartbeat fetish".

Not a ton of stuff came up, but I found a website called heartbeat pleasure. It interested me, and so I created an account.

Well, after spending a few late nights online, I started to feel weird, almost dirty. I didn't like the idea of having this interest, and so for about a year, I suppressed my thoughts.

After some time has passed, my interest came back. This time, I had a debt card and so with my holiday online shopping, I bought a stethoscope.

Since then, I've gotten a lot more comfortable with my interest. I still hide it, but I've accepted it as a part of who I am, It isn't a bad thing, just different.

To Share or Not to Share, That is the Question

So recently I've been having a weird internal conflict.
On HBP, as many of you probably know, it is possible to go into a webchat and let other people listen to your heartbeat. I think I have the means to be able to build a steth-mic, but when I think about it, i feel kind of weird too.

Since I was little, my heart has been incredibly private. I can count 2 people who I am aware of that have heard the sound of my heart. I want my boyfriend to be person number 3.

For some reason I don't really understand, I feel like I would be being unfaithful to my boyfriend if I shared online, although I also feel like it might not be a big deal to him.

I think for now, I'm going to stay out of the chats. Honestly I'm not hugely into listening to other people's hearts either. It just doesn't feel quite right when it's someone I don't know.

And there was my uncertain little blurb for the day,
I'm hoping that soon I can figure out what my beliefs are and I'll let you know when I do.

On another note, I thought that this was quite adorable :)

My Biggest Comfort and My Biggest Fear

I really think that this is one of the sweetest, most adorable things in the world. (photo credit to http://stethme.tumblr.com/ ) There is nothing that I would love more than to be able to openly listen to my boyfriend's heart, and I love the way it was stated on the above mentioned website: "You know for a fact just by the way she’s looking at him that she fully intends on taking care of his heart in multiple ways forever.". That is what I would love, to be able to take care of my bf and his heart forever.

The thing I find most comforting is the feeling of my boyfriend's heart beating as he holds me close to him. I feel so secure and loved when he does that.

The thing that scares me the most is when he doesn't take care of himself. I felt myself starting to get emotional when he joked about ordering a double bacon cheeseburger. I know that this probably sounds ridiculous, but it upset me a lot, to think of the damage he could be doing to his heart. I really love him and I feel like we will spend the rest of our lives together, and that's part of the reason it upset me. I want him and his heart to be with me forever, I just wish I had the words to say it.


Well, that's about enough worried rambling for now, For those of you who want and are able to reply: What comforts you the most? What are you most afraid of?

Lily

An Introduction to Me

Hello!
As you most likely know, My name is Lily, This is my blog (Duh).
I am going to use this blog for lots of different stuff. If you are a friend of mine from HBP, I will likely be posting stuff about that, but if you just found this while surfing the web, you're welcome to read and comment as well. :)

Now, to start off.... How about some stuff about me:

1. My favorite genres of music: I enjoy electronic, dance, trance, dubstep, pop, and a lot of other stuff. I just love music in general!

2. My relationship status: In a very happy relationship.

3. My favorite pastimes: Writing, Sleeping, Spending time with friends and my boyfriend, Reading, Running

4. Languages I speak: English, some french, and ASL(American Sign Language)

5. If I were trapped on a deserted island, what would I bring?: My boyfriend, some food and water, my laptop, and a boat :)

Now, for those of you who are from HBP, you might be a bit curious about that aspect of my life.

6. How many Steths do I own?: 2, although one of them (my 6 dollar Life Source) is preferred right now.

7. Do I prefer to listen or be listened to?: Honestly, it depends. Sometimes I feel weird about being listened to (like at the doctor) but sometimes I also feel weird listening to someone.

8. How many people in real life know about your interest?: 4, Me, Myself, I, and also my Boyfriend :)

9. What do I most like to do, related to heartbeats?:I love to write as well as read. Most of my stories are situations that I find romantic, they usually are between the characters "I" and "Him". I want to move away from this a bit and maybe start writing a bit more like my current literary idol, emtstaroflife on HBP.

10. What is my heart rate right now?: 64bpm

So there was a little introduction to who I am, I'll probably be updating my blog pretty often, so check back often!
Lily