I Walk Alone

I Walk Alone

A story inspired by personal experience and the song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” By Green Day

Warning: This story deals with a mentally unstable, somewhat suicidal person and could be disturbing to some people, if you are easily disturbed, don’t read it.
Also: Trigger warning for self harm

I Walk Alone
by Lily J. P.

I lay on my bed.
Not sleeping.
Thinking.
Trying to find a reason for my feelings.
I can't figure out how they started;
I don’t know when this is going to end.
All I know is that I have to get out.
Right now.
The light blue walls of my bedroom smother me.
I'm drowning, I can't handle this anymore.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I cross the room, pick up my phone from the nightstand. A second thought makes me open the drawer and remove my pocket knife. I shove them into my pocket. I walk up the stairs, it’s quiet, everyone has already gone to bed. I slip on my black sweatshirt, zipping it half way and put on a pair of shoes. My hand sweeps a key from the hook on the wall and I silently open the door. The cool air brushes over my skin as I lock the door, then place the key in my pocket.

I walk down my driveway and onto the sidewalk. The neighborhood is silent except for the sound of my footsteps, echoing softly off the houses. I can't think, my mind is numb. I keep walking.

My footsteps take me along a path, past aspen trees and a grassy field. I eventually find myself in a park, the same one I used to play tag at when I was seven and the place I had my first kiss when I was twelve. It is deserted except for a few birds, quiet in their nests

My shoes crunch the soft sand as I walk to the swing set. I sit down and push myself slightly with my feet. I sigh, it isn't getting better this time. Guilt crushes me, but I can't find the source. There is an emptiness filling my chest. All I want is for it to end. I glance around and then reach into my pocket and pull out the knife.
I open it slowly, see the shimmer of the blade in the soft moonlight. I roll up my sleeve and bring the knife to my wrist, observing the thin veins there. I make a small short line with the sharp tip of my knife. It burns for a second and I feel a small shiver of pain go down my spine. There is relief there though, as if my emotions are seeping out from the wound. I watch a drop of blood roll down and drip onto the sand. I bury it with one swift kick of my foot and move the blade to make another mark.

The soft sound of footsteps startles me, I look behind me and see a boy, who looked to be about my age. I recognize him from school, but we'd never said more than a few words to each other. The streetlight casts a shadow over his sandy blond hair, but as he moves closer, I notice his deep blue eyes, that seem to pierce into my soul. Quickly I fold the blade and slip it into my pocket. I roll my sleeve up, hoping he didn't notice it.

"Nice night to be out here, isn't it?" He asks softly.

I nod slowly but remain silent.

"Mind if I sit with you?" He asks.

I shake my head and he sits on the swing next to me.

I put my foot down to push my swing forward, when my knife falls out of my pocket. He stops and bends down to pick it up. I reach out my hand to take it and then jerk it back, when I notice the tiny trickle of crimson from my wound.

It was too late though, he had already seen it. My eyes tear up in shame, and I run away from him, heading towards the darkness of the few tall trees in the park. A few seconds later, he appears beside me, breathing a bit faster. He grabs my unmarked wrist softly. "Come with me," He says, taking my hand.

I oblige, what else could I do? The neighbors would call the police if I screamed and there was nowhere else to run.

I follow him to a secluded bench and he motions for me to sit down. He sits next to me. We are both silent for a few moments.

Finally he speaks "Why did you come here?" he asked me.

I pause for a moment, trying to think of a lie.

"I can handle the truth," he says, as if reading my mind.

"I couldn't sleep, there were just too many feelings and I had to get out. I just didn't know what else to do," I tell him

He nods, and then gently takes hold of my no-longer-bleeding wrist.

"Why did you do this?" he asks

"It was the only thing that could take me out of this pain," I tell him.

He put his arm slowly around me, "I see," He says simply.

He takes my hand in his, and softly places my hand a bit above my left breast.

"Feel that?" He asks

I nod, feeling my heart beating under my hand.

"It means that you're alive. You have a purpose here, and you need to stay alive to find it," He says, seriously.

I shiver a bit and he pulls me closer to him.

He holds me in his arms for a few minutes, neither of us daring to say a word. I feel my eyes slowly starting to shut and I lay my head on his chest. His heart's slow, steady rhythm comforts me and in a few minutes, I doze off, listening to his heart while still feeling mine.

A while later, he gently shakes my shoulder, waking me. "Had a nice nap?" he asks kindly.

I nod groggily "How long did I sleep? What time is it?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. "A little after 5," He tells me, grinning slightly.

"Wow, almost 3 hours," I say

"You seemed like you could use the sleep," He says, then gestures to my hand, still over my heart, "How are you doing?" He asks.

"Still alive," I tell him, smiling weakly.

"I'm glad you are," he says.

"So why exactly were you out here so late?" I ask him

"Chronic insomniac," He replies, "I like to walk at night, I usually go towards the lake, but for some reason, I really felt like going by the park,"

"Thank you for being here for me," I tell him.

"No problem, everyone needs someone sometimes," He says

We sit in comfortable quiet for a minute.

This time I break the silence, "Why did you help me? Why did you even talk to me? I didn't think you even knew I existed,"

"I helped you because I care and I could tell you needed it. Of course I knew you existed. I used to watch you sit in the library with your notebook. i always wondered what you were writing about. If maybe something in there was about me... " he trails off

I feel a blush rising in my cheeks, "I did write about you, a few times actually,"

He smiles, looking a bit pleased.

We sit for a while longer, then he looks up at the sky, now slightly pink with the sunrise. "You should be getting home," he comments, "Your parents will wonder."

I nod in agreement and he slowly stands, then helps me up. We walk slowly to my house, hand in hand.

At the front door, he gives me a hug and turns to go. He puts his hand in his pocket and then turns back to me, holding the knife. "Here," he says, holding it out to me.

I shake my head, "I can't...I don't want it,"

He smiles slightly and puts it back in his pocket, "I'll hold on to it for you, then," he says.

I move to hug him again, "Thank you," I tell him.

I walk inside and watch through the window as he walks down the driveway. I go to my room and lie on my bed, trying to forget the last time I was there.

I place my hand on my chest, over my heart and feel the beat of my life. I wonder a bit about what my purpose might be, or where my future might take me but slowly, I drift into sleep, finally at peace.

Sleep (or lack thereof)

So, I don't know why exactly, but I've been finding it difficult to get to sleep recently, but have had some things that have helped me.

First, This Video:

This has been one of the few things that has been able to help me get to sleep the past few nights. For any fellow insomniacs, TRY IT! The actual song is fairly loud, but when I turn it down a bit, it's perfect for a little bit of music and the beat in the background, which I like. ;)

Another thing that has been helpful to me, has actually been listening to my own heart. I don't know what it is exactly about the sound of my heart beating, but it is incredibly soothing to me. I will sometimes just lay on my back and listen to my heart for a while and it starts to make me a bit sleepy (so then I quickly try to hide my stethoscope before I wake up all the way)

If you don't want to run the risk of getting caught, there are also some slow and quite relaxing hb files on hbp or Youtube.
Happy Sleeping!
Lily

An excerpt from my Novel, Delusion

 This is a short scene from my novel, Delusion. My main character, Haylee is in a mental hospital for some reasons that are tough to explain. She tried to commit suicide (and was enabled by a very attractive, idiotic nurse's aide) and is in the urgent care unit when this takes place.


I opened my eyes and saw Matthew standing there, his eyes were dark and shiny as they were the last time I saw him, a few nights ago. He looked at me, his concern apparent on his face. "Haylee, What were you thinking? Why on earth did you do it?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes, "You wouldn't understand, No one possibly could," I said to the ceiling.
He reached out a cautious hand and brushed my cheek, I looked up at him. He reached out his arm to help me sit up, then he took an extra pillow from the empty bed across from mine and put it behind my back. I leaned back into the pillow and gave him a small nod of gratitude.
"So, What exactly happened?" He said softly, gazing into my eyes.
"I told you, you couldn't possibly understand it," I told him, a little bit harsher.
He smiled just a bit, "Haylee, I was in the bed next to that one 3 days ago, Try me."
He took my hand in his.
I smiled a little, and started "Ok, This is going to sound really weird..."
He grinned mischievously, "Does it involve blue monkeys wearing ties or pink cheetahs from Jupiter?"
I giggled "I said that it is weird, not that I do shrooms".
He stuck out his tongue at me, a little child-like gesture.
"Ok then, talk." He said, "Or should I ask Dr. Reynolds to come and psychoanalyze it out of you?"
I groaned, "Ok,ok, I'm talking"
He eagerly sat on the bed next to my feet, I began "I guess everything started when I was little, maybe about 8 years old,"
"Is that where the cheetahs come in?" He asked, jokingly.
"I'm not going to talk if you interrupt me," I said.
He feigned zipping his mouth shut, and then locked it and threw away the key, he folded his hands neatly in his lap.
I giggled a bit at the childlike expectant look on his face.
"ok," I said, "When I was eight, a girl appeared in my room one day. I named her Lindy. She was my friend, until she tried to end my life."
"Oooh, mysterious," he said.
I gave him a look.
"sorry, I know," he said with a sheepish grin
"Anyway, first she was my friend, and then she went away, disappeared into thin air, for a few years. And then she came back, and she was skinnier and scarier. She made me stop eating and my parents put me in the hospital for 2 weeks. She went away after that, for a little while anyway. She's back now, I don't know what she wants but she tried to kill me, that's why my parents first put me in here." I stopped talking.
He stared at me for a few seconds. "Wow Haylee, I think I was wrong about you," He said "I think you really might be insane,"
I slapped his arm playfully
"But seriously though, What made you try to pull that stunt? They don't let anyone out of the hospital for a week after a suicide attempt" He told me
I sighed, "I know, It just seemed like a quick way to get out of this madness. My parents think I'm insane, my friends are scared of me, and my imaginary friend from when I was 7 is trying to kill me."
He stood up and came to sit on the bed right next to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a tender embrace. I pressed my ear closer to his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat and he held me tighter.
"Matt?" I said.
"Yes?" he whispered
"I love you," I told him
He pulled me back from him and stared into my eyes. I could see something changing in his eyes, unthawing.
"I love you too, Haylee," he said softly.

One of the nurses tapped me on the shoulder. I turned away from Matthew for a second and noticed that the other nurses had left the room. "Are you hungry dear? Would you like me to go get you some food?"

"Yes please," I said.
She winked at me, "Alright, be good you two, I'll be right back,"
She left the room and I looked at Matthew, he smiled at me and put his arm over my shoulders.
"So what do we do now?" I asked him.

"Well, first we need to get you out of here," he said, "You're going to be on suicide watch for the next week, but you need to convince Dr. Reynolds that you aren't going to try to kill yourself,"
"But I'm not," I told him.
"I know," he said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. I leaned my head on him a bit below his shoulder.
"What are you thinking about right now?" Matthew asked me, after a minute or so of silence.
"How much I love the sound of your heart beating right now," I replied.
He looked down at me, "I'm glad yours still is," He said solemnly.
I sighed, "I promise I'll stay alive if you will," I said
He seemed to think for a moment, and then said seriously "Ok, I promise I will,"
He smiled slightly and then tipped my chin up and kissed me lightly.

My First Online Share

So, I've been a member of HBP since July of 2010, but for many reasons, I chose not to share on chat. About 10 minutes ago, I concluded my second sharing session online. It's really quite an unusual feeling, hearing your heart (I always like to listen when i'm sharing) and knowing that other people can hear it and it's reactions to emotions, exercise, ect.

The first time I shared, I signed into the chat and I was so nervous. I don't know why I was nervous, probably a mix of coffee, excitement, and being scared of getting caught by my mother. I turned on the audio control and noticed that people started listening. I got even more excited as people commented on it.
I shared for about 45 minutes (until my computer started being weird) and it was really an awesome experience.

After sharing, I felt a bit guilty for allowing people I don't know listen to my heart, but after thinking about it more, I felt better about it. My boyfriend did get to hear it before everyone else, which I liked, but also I realized that my heart is no less special because other people have been allowed to enjoy it. If anything, it's a bit more so.

I look forward to sharing again sometime, and although I don't think I'll ever feel quite the same way as I did that first time (in good and bad ways), each share is different and exciting in it's own way.

Adorable Little Thing I Found

Hey, I don't know if any of you guys have heard about this, but there is a new product that may be available to the public at some time. It's called Pillow Talk. Basically it's a pillow that comes with a chest strap sensor, the point being that you and your significant other can both be laying on your pillows and hearing each others heartbeats in real time.

Personally I think that this is so incredibly romantic, What do you think?
I also really like the video for it:

Here's some other information about it :)
http://www.fashioningtech.com/profiles/blogs/pillow-talk-networking-long

Contemplating my interest

I've spent a lot of time this morning thinking about my interest in heartbeats. It's definitely not a common thing for a person to like, but in a way, it kind of is. I have read many things online about people who love listening to their significant other's heart. I think that in a way, it is human nature to enjoy the sound of a heartbeat. To me, a heartbeat isn't just a sound. It's life. I think one of the reasons I love heartbeats so much is just because it is so comforting to feel or hear someone's heart because it reminds me that they are alive. This may seem strange, ("of course they are alive, they are talking, moving, breathing) but I suppose that I always kind of like the reassurance. Then there is another aspect that I don't explore so much. There is a part of this interest that is (somewhat) sexually exciting. I suppose that part of this is that I get to be close to someone when I'm listening to their heart. I also think it's very interesting when their heart gets faster when they get excited, but I think I also like it because although you can lie about your feelings with facial expressions and words, your heart can't lie.

Well there was an interesting trip through my mind. Have you ever thought about it? Why do you think that you like heartbeats so much?