The Doctor

Well, it's getting to be that time of the year again... I have to go to the doctor for a physical.
I've generally been in fairly good health, so I haven't had to go to the doctor too much, but that's only made me more nervous about it.

I remember when I was little, probably about 10, I made a plan to be able to use the doctor's stethoscope on myself. I decided that I would act normal when the doctor came in, and I'd let her go about her business, and then, I would either ask if I could use her stethoscope or I would distract her and make her forget it in the room with me.

I anticipated this for weeks until the day of my appointment. I went in, went through the initial history, temperature, ect stuff. Next, the doctor held my wrist and took my pulse. She asked twice if I was nervous, and I kept saying no. 
That actually wasn't a lie, I wasn't nervous, I was excited. I could feel my heart reacting to my thoughts, as I imagined again how I'd casually ask the doctor to just leave the stethoscope in the room with me for a few minutes. The doctor finally took it from around her neck and placed the cold stethoscope on my chest. 
"Are you sure you're not nervous?" She said, sounding a little bit concerned.
"No," I said meekly
"Oh," She said "Your heart's beating pretty fast considering that you haven't been exercising,"
That turned out to be the wrong thing for her to say, I felt myself blush, and then turned my head so she wouldn't see it.
"It sounds nice and strong though," she told me
I refused to look at her, and was actually somewhat relieved when she finally put the stethoscope back around her neck and finished the examination. She turned to leave, and I hopped off the table so I could change into my clothes again, completely forgetting about the things I had planned to do. I was just glad that she was done talking about my heart.

The years after that were more or less the same, minus the extensive planning to borrow her stethoscope. I decided that it was easier to make do with my mother's steth (see My first HB experience) than to risk having the doctor learn about my interest.

Some things have happened recently and I'm not really nervous about visiting the doctor this year, at least not for that reason. Right now, I actually am dreading having my heart listened to. It just seems like such an invasion of myself, to let some random person use a cold metal device to be able to share in something that's always been really personal for me. I'm hoping everything goes alright though, and I'll be posting a follow-up later (hopefully).