Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.