How's my heart?

Wow, time sure seems to have flown.

Things have been getting better for the most part: I've been writing a lot and doing homework (of course), Thanksgiving came and went and was pretty decent, I've gotten to spend time with friends as well as my love.

The "heart-related" part of my life has shrunk dramatically in recent months, it's mainly involved two things in my life, writing and my boyfriend. I've also found that I'm not really so drawn to it outside of these two things, I mean, I still feel uncomfortable when someone starts talking about the subject of hearts, but it doesn't drift into my mind like it used to. 

Of course, as it has shrunk, the two remaining aspects have become much more important. Writing-wise, I have two short-stories that I'm working on that I'll probably be posting in the next few weeks. Boyfriend-wise, I've gotten to listen to his heart quite a bit. This is also where the title for this post comes from. Today we were just kind of hanging out, laying on my bed and talking and stuff and after a while we both kind of stopped talking. He was laying on his back (which was rather tempting for me) and so I rolled over and placed my head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around me and held me there while I listened and after about 10 minutes, when I was done, he asked in the sweetest way "How's my heart?". Of course I blushed (because I still have some problems with saying or even hearing someone say the word "heart") and I told him that it sounds wonderful.

Random Thought: I think that people who date cardiophiles are actually quite lucky. They have a partner who knows (in many cases) what kinds of murmurs and other sounds should be checked out by a doctor, and also, that person is more than willing to take a good long listen to their heart anytime.  I'm surprised that so many of my HBP friends are single, although I guess that most of them would be reluctant to go up to a guy/girl and say "Hey, I enjoy listening to heartbeats, want to go out for drinks sometime?". Still though, it seems like it'd certainly be a good thing.

Well, it's been a while

I really don't know what's going on.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing that really makes me happy is when I can just relax with my boyfriend.
Everything else either makes me stressed or apathetic.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep dealing with this.
I know it's not healthy that the only time I feel truly happy is when I get to listen to his heart, and be in his arms.
I know I should probably get help.
Logic would say that a therapist is a good idea.
But for my own sanity, I refuse.
I don't do therapy, I just don't.
I guess that the only thing there really is to do is to spend the time I can with my boyfriend.
And to just try to plow through everything else the best I can.


I'll hopefully get the motivation to post about something interesting later.
I suppose we'll see.

Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.