5 things to do while you're waiting for HBP to be back up

Yay! The HBP site went down a few days ago, this means that it'll be back up ( and much more functional) in a matter of days/weeks. The absence of the site might leave too much free time for some though, so here are 5 things to do while we're waiting:

1. Build/upgrade your steth mic
If you're into sharing, now's the perfect time to make some adjustments to your design. If you've never shared, but you're interested, it's a great time to start working on one. Feel free to email me or comment  if you'd like help on getting started!

2. Write Write Write!!
Ever had a dream or a secret fantasy related to this? Now is the perfect time to write it down. And DON'T say you can't write or that you aren't good at it. Anyone who is literate can learn how to write amazing things, the first step is simple to start writing!

3. Create a blog or a tumblr
Blogging can be so much fun, it's a chance to let your thoughts be heard and it's also a good place to be able to post your feelings, ideas, ect. It's interesting to be able to look back and remember the things you did and the things you thought about in the past.

4. Read and/or add to another site
There are tons of blogs and other things out there. You could add a story to a site like fanfiction.com or you could submit something to http://cardiophile-problems.tumblr.com/ .

5. Listen to someone's heart
Because it's awesome. Snuggle up with a significant other or a close friend, or use the time to 
finally tell someone how you feel about them (or their heart) 

I'm excited to see what the site updates bring, and I bet many of you are too. 
Until then, there are plenty of things to do.
Lily

How's my heart?

Wow, time sure seems to have flown.

Things have been getting better for the most part: I've been writing a lot and doing homework (of course), Thanksgiving came and went and was pretty decent, I've gotten to spend time with friends as well as my love.

The "heart-related" part of my life has shrunk dramatically in recent months, it's mainly involved two things in my life, writing and my boyfriend. I've also found that I'm not really so drawn to it outside of these two things, I mean, I still feel uncomfortable when someone starts talking about the subject of hearts, but it doesn't drift into my mind like it used to. 

Of course, as it has shrunk, the two remaining aspects have become much more important. Writing-wise, I have two short-stories that I'm working on that I'll probably be posting in the next few weeks. Boyfriend-wise, I've gotten to listen to his heart quite a bit. This is also where the title for this post comes from. Today we were just kind of hanging out, laying on my bed and talking and stuff and after a while we both kind of stopped talking. He was laying on his back (which was rather tempting for me) and so I rolled over and placed my head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around me and held me there while I listened and after about 10 minutes, when I was done, he asked in the sweetest way "How's my heart?". Of course I blushed (because I still have some problems with saying or even hearing someone say the word "heart") and I told him that it sounds wonderful.

Random Thought: I think that people who date cardiophiles are actually quite lucky. They have a partner who knows (in many cases) what kinds of murmurs and other sounds should be checked out by a doctor, and also, that person is more than willing to take a good long listen to their heart anytime.  I'm surprised that so many of my HBP friends are single, although I guess that most of them would be reluctant to go up to a guy/girl and say "Hey, I enjoy listening to heartbeats, want to go out for drinks sometime?". Still though, it seems like it'd certainly be a good thing.

Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.

The Doctor (part 2)

Well, I survived... I suppose that's a good thing...

Basically, I went through the normal motions (weight, height, ect.). I had to wait a while for the doctor, and felt myself getting a bit anxious. When the doctor came into the room I tried to calm myself and hopped onto the table. I could feel my heart speeding up as she took my pulse, although that may have been due to the energy drink I downed about 3 hours before. She didn't comment much, which was good.
Finally, the moment I had been dreading, she took out her stethoscope and placed it on my chest. I sat there starting at the corner of the room and trying to pretend I wasn't there.
She finished that pretty fast and then had me lay down so she could listen again. She asked if I had a murmur (and I said I didn't think so). Then the rest of the normal stuff happened, I got 2 shots and also got some news I really wish I hadn't have had to get (I'll be ok though).
So, now I'm finally done, it didn't suck too much and I'm done for a year!

Sick (and very tired)

So I don't know what exactly happened, but I woke up this morning feeling like someone had scraped the inside of my throat with sandpaper. I had to go to school, which sucked, but after I got home, I went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up with the weirdest feeling, I was really hot and my heart was absolutely pounding. Although on a normal day, I'd probably think it was cool and take a listen or something, but today it just really annoyed me.

I actually got kind of angry, but I was too tired to get up and try to do anything about it, so I pretty much kicked off my covers and turned on some music in an attempt to calm down.
Right now, I'm at about 80, which seems pretty good to me, consideiring that I have a fever of like 100.
The good news is that I shouldn't have to go to school tomorrow, because I'm sick. I'm hoping I'll have time for a more interesting post then.

6 random things I'm thinking about

1. The biology class I'm taking this year. I've already looked through the textbook and we're going to be learning about human anatomy this year.  I'm really not looking forward to it. I already know that I'm going to have to let somebody take my pulse and sit through at least an hour of the teacher talking about hearts and all of that stuff and I just don't want to do it! I even hate the word heart! I also have no clue what I'm going to do in class because I really can't say the word "heart", like not at all...

2. My heart stopping. I've always found it a bit intriguing, I guess, thinking about my heart just stopping (and thus me dying). Death seems like a strange concept too, on one hand it seems peaceful, but it also just seems kind of weird. I guess there's just something about the fact that the transition between life and death can be so quick that just kind of fascinates me. I'm also really not scared of death, which I suppose is good, although I'm terrified of losing people I love. It's just kind of an odd thing for me to think about, one moment my heart is beating and I'm alive. The next moment, it stops and I'm more or less dead (my physical body is technically dead).

3. The nature of this interest. It's starting to change, but to my surprise, I'm actually getting less interested in the interest. Also, I've found that I am much more interested in cuddling and ear stething than I am in doing an actual examination with a stethoscope or anything that's sexual. I guess it's just another change though, maybe things will change more. 

4. The song Better Than Drugs by Skillet. Yes, it says the word "heartbeat" like 10 times, but I just love this song. A Lot.

5. Coffee. Because I love caffeine, way more than I should. My boyfriend says that he worries that I'm going to have a few too many energy drinks and have problems, but I don't think that will happen. I think it's sweet that he cares though. He told me that he cares about my heart and wants to make sure that I'm ok. I find it a bit interesting, but also a little sad, that sometimes he worries about my and my health more than I do.

6. My boyfriend, because I love him to death. And because he's amazing and he's so accepting of this interest, which I love!

Anyway, that's about what I'm thinking, minus some of the scary hell-ish stuff that is my mind. I'm gonna go get some coffee and then probably go to bed, because that's pretty much what I do.

My Biggest Comfort and My Biggest Fear

I really think that this is one of the sweetest, most adorable things in the world. (photo credit to http://stethme.tumblr.com/ ) There is nothing that I would love more than to be able to openly listen to my boyfriend's heart, and I love the way it was stated on the above mentioned website: "You know for a fact just by the way she’s looking at him that she fully intends on taking care of his heart in multiple ways forever.". That is what I would love, to be able to take care of my bf and his heart forever.

The thing I find most comforting is the feeling of my boyfriend's heart beating as he holds me close to him. I feel so secure and loved when he does that.

The thing that scares me the most is when he doesn't take care of himself. I felt myself starting to get emotional when he joked about ordering a double bacon cheeseburger. I know that this probably sounds ridiculous, but it upset me a lot, to think of the damage he could be doing to his heart. I really love him and I feel like we will spend the rest of our lives together, and that's part of the reason it upset me. I want him and his heart to be with me forever, I just wish I had the words to say it.


Well, that's about enough worried rambling for now, For those of you who want and are able to reply: What comforts you the most? What are you most afraid of?

Lily

An Introduction to Me

Hello!
As you most likely know, My name is Lily, This is my blog (Duh).
I am going to use this blog for lots of different stuff. If you are a friend of mine from HBP, I will likely be posting stuff about that, but if you just found this while surfing the web, you're welcome to read and comment as well. :)

Now, to start off.... How about some stuff about me:

1. My favorite genres of music: I enjoy electronic, dance, trance, dubstep, pop, and a lot of other stuff. I just love music in general!

2. My relationship status: In a very happy relationship.

3. My favorite pastimes: Writing, Sleeping, Spending time with friends and my boyfriend, Reading, Running

4. Languages I speak: English, some french, and ASL(American Sign Language)

5. If I were trapped on a deserted island, what would I bring?: My boyfriend, some food and water, my laptop, and a boat :)

Now, for those of you who are from HBP, you might be a bit curious about that aspect of my life.

6. How many Steths do I own?: 2, although one of them (my 6 dollar Life Source) is preferred right now.

7. Do I prefer to listen or be listened to?: Honestly, it depends. Sometimes I feel weird about being listened to (like at the doctor) but sometimes I also feel weird listening to someone.

8. How many people in real life know about your interest?: 4, Me, Myself, I, and also my Boyfriend :)

9. What do I most like to do, related to heartbeats?:I love to write as well as read. Most of my stories are situations that I find romantic, they usually are between the characters "I" and "Him". I want to move away from this a bit and maybe start writing a bit more like my current literary idol, emtstaroflife on HBP.

10. What is my heart rate right now?: 64bpm

So there was a little introduction to who I am, I'll probably be updating my blog pretty often, so check back often!
Lily