Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.

My Biggest Comfort and My Biggest Fear

I really think that this is one of the sweetest, most adorable things in the world. (photo credit to http://stethme.tumblr.com/ ) There is nothing that I would love more than to be able to openly listen to my boyfriend's heart, and I love the way it was stated on the above mentioned website: "You know for a fact just by the way she’s looking at him that she fully intends on taking care of his heart in multiple ways forever.". That is what I would love, to be able to take care of my bf and his heart forever.

The thing I find most comforting is the feeling of my boyfriend's heart beating as he holds me close to him. I feel so secure and loved when he does that.

The thing that scares me the most is when he doesn't take care of himself. I felt myself starting to get emotional when he joked about ordering a double bacon cheeseburger. I know that this probably sounds ridiculous, but it upset me a lot, to think of the damage he could be doing to his heart. I really love him and I feel like we will spend the rest of our lives together, and that's part of the reason it upset me. I want him and his heart to be with me forever, I just wish I had the words to say it.


Well, that's about enough worried rambling for now, For those of you who want and are able to reply: What comforts you the most? What are you most afraid of?

Lily

An Introduction to Me

Hello!
As you most likely know, My name is Lily, This is my blog (Duh).
I am going to use this blog for lots of different stuff. If you are a friend of mine from HBP, I will likely be posting stuff about that, but if you just found this while surfing the web, you're welcome to read and comment as well. :)

Now, to start off.... How about some stuff about me:

1. My favorite genres of music: I enjoy electronic, dance, trance, dubstep, pop, and a lot of other stuff. I just love music in general!

2. My relationship status: In a very happy relationship.

3. My favorite pastimes: Writing, Sleeping, Spending time with friends and my boyfriend, Reading, Running

4. Languages I speak: English, some french, and ASL(American Sign Language)

5. If I were trapped on a deserted island, what would I bring?: My boyfriend, some food and water, my laptop, and a boat :)

Now, for those of you who are from HBP, you might be a bit curious about that aspect of my life.

6. How many Steths do I own?: 2, although one of them (my 6 dollar Life Source) is preferred right now.

7. Do I prefer to listen or be listened to?: Honestly, it depends. Sometimes I feel weird about being listened to (like at the doctor) but sometimes I also feel weird listening to someone.

8. How many people in real life know about your interest?: 4, Me, Myself, I, and also my Boyfriend :)

9. What do I most like to do, related to heartbeats?:I love to write as well as read. Most of my stories are situations that I find romantic, they usually are between the characters "I" and "Him". I want to move away from this a bit and maybe start writing a bit more like my current literary idol, emtstaroflife on HBP.

10. What is my heart rate right now?: 64bpm

So there was a little introduction to who I am, I'll probably be updating my blog pretty often, so check back often!
Lily