Happy Second Blog-iversery!

Well, it's been two years since this blog started, and even though I no longer post on this site regularly, I'm still very active on tumblr.

http://rhythmedelavie.tumblr.com/

Thanks for everyone's support!
Lily

I am so so lucky

I feel so lucky to have my boyfriend. Last night, he came over and we watched a movie, and this song I hate came on.  And he just held me close to his chest and held his hand over my other ear, so I could listen to his heartbeat instead of the song.

It's so lovely that he understands how comforting his heart is to me. If I'm upset, he'll pull me to his chest, because he knows that it helps. Sometimes he'll lie his head on my chest for a listen too, and it's really a nice feeling.

It's been amazing to have someone to share my heart interest with. I haven't been blogging a ton, but I'm still active on tumblr. :) Maybe I'll start writing again soon though.

Hello Again

It's been a while since I've posted last. School and such.

I have a new boyfriend now, and he's sweet, interesting, smart, creative and absolutely lovely. He also has the most calming, comforting heartbeat I've ever heard.
It's been really cool, because he seems to have a bit of a heart interest as well, and it's been really nice getting to cuddle up together and share our hearts (and body heat because it's been absolutely freezing!)
Oops, now this blog might be going back to going on and on about my boyfriend and how wonderful he is.
Oh well, my tumblr's still mostly heart related

Random personal facts (and over analysis)

A few days ago, I learned that I was born a few weeks before my due date.
There weren't any major complications, but learning that made me wonder if it has anything to do with this heart thing. If maybe I missed a few weeks of heartbeats and comfort and got stuck in this cold, loud, scary world earlier than I was supposed to. And maybe this interest and love and fascination for heartbeats is making up for the time I lost...

I don't know. I'm probably over thinking it, still, I'd wonder if that could be a possible cause for anyone...

Oops I have a heart tumblr

So yeah, I got really really bored.
So here is is if anyone's interested: http://rhythmedelavie.tumblr.com/

Another Update

So not much going on.
School starts pretty soon, which is both scary and exciting. this summer's been nice, but I'm glad to get to go back and see people more often.
Otherwise, I'm still updating the list of cardiophile tumblrs when I get the chance. :)

Listener or Listenee?

Well, I posted this question on HBP, but I figured I might answer it here, because I actually feel like talking about it.

As far as the heart-sharing goes, I usually prefer to have someone listen to my heart than to listen to someone else's. I absolutely adore listening, but it just feels so different to share with someone you're close to. To feel their head on your chest and to see the way your heartbeat affects them. It feels like giving a gift of sorts, like you're letting them hear a secret meant for them alone.

Updating and 2 more tumblrs

Hey,
So still absolutely freaking nothing is going on heart-wise and absolutely freaking everything is happening otherwise. My BF and I broke up about a month ago, so that's sucked for a multitude of reasons. Due to that, though, no more heart-sharing for a while. :( Hopefully I'll get the motivation to write more, currently my mental health hasn't been exactly wonderful, so that's interfered a bit.

Anyways, I hope everyone's doing well!
It seems like there's been a little bit of turmoil and arguing on HBP, but hopefully everyone can settle their differences. :)

The two other heart tumblrs (may be NSFW!):
*****Edit****
I moved these to the post "Heart Tumblrs I <3 "
I will be adding new tumblrs to this list as I find them.

What's new...

Well, there's a lot going on now:
-I've been busy with school, like really really busy, and it's been stressful, like really really stressful.
-My depression's gotten really bad in the past few months, but I've been getting help and things are slowly going back to normal.
-My boyfriend and I broke up, partially due to his inability to handle some of the things that have come along with my depression. I've been having a really hard time dealing with it, we were together for a long time and it's hard to let go, especially because it was over something that's getting better.
-My heart interest is pretty much non-existant due to the break up and things in my life.

I don't know how much time I'll have to blog until June. Just figured I should let people know what's happening if anyone actually cares...

Heart Tumblrs I ❤

So as you may know if you know me well or read my other blog, I pretty much spend all of my time on Tumblr. Tumblr's great, it has everything, from people who are supportive and kind to adorable pictures of turtles and kittens and even porn (if you're looking for that sort of thing).
It also has hearts, I've seen several heart related tumblrs, and I even follow some (even though my tumblr isn't heart-related). So here's my list so far:

WARNING: Some of these may contain NSFW Content!!
(If you are the owner of one of these sites, and would like to request me to take it down, just message me)

 http://justhearts.tumblr.com
 http://stethstory.tumblr.com
 http://cardiophilings.tumblr.com
 http://romanticheartbeat.tumblr.com
 http://cardiophile.tumblr.com
 http://cardiophile-problems.tumblr.com
 http://heartrecordapp.tumblr.com
 http://stethme.tumblr.com
 http://just-a-little-sweetheart.tumblr.com
 http://katies-heart.tumblr.com
http://medical22.tumblr.com/ (general med fet stuff, tending more on the BDSM side)

http://fuckyeahcardiology.tumblr.com/ (cool scientific stuff)

http://cuddleking01.tumblr.com/

http://frostedheartbeatbabe.tumblr.com/
http://heartoflea.tumblr.com

http://burntheheartbeatoutofyou.tumblr.com/ (RP-er)

http://thexbeatxofxherxheart.tumblr.com/

http://xheartbeatxbabex.tumblr.com/
http://stethoscopius.tumblr.com/
http://stethingdave.tumblr.com/
http://rhythmedelavie.tumblr.com/(My Tumblr)
   

Just checking in

So pretty much nothing exciting has happened recently. I've been really depressed these last few weeks, and the only thing that's really helped me has been spending time with my friends or my boyfriend, which I haven't gotten to do much of. My boyfriend and I are still doing fine, we went and saw Warm Bodies for Valentine's day and he totally noticed a heart reference before I did which was funny. He has still been really sweet about letting me listen to his heart and so that's been helping me a lot.

Otherwise not much is happening, I'll probably post about something interesting sometime soon.

Tarzan

I suppose that the majority of people probably don't watch American kid movies, but this is one scene I absolutely adored. The heart-related part is at 1:45-ish. (Except her head was on the wrong side)

(Note: this clip is actually in polish, but she says "it's a very nice heartbeat")

I watched this movie recently and it reminded me of what I think is a very primal part of this interest. Before we are born, we hear our mother's heartbeat, it's a sound that makes us feel safe and cared for, as we get older, it becomes a sound that makes us feel connected to others, it reminds us that we are all human and alive. That might sound very strange, but it's really quite comforting to hear the sound that means that someone you love is alive and well.

This scene also reminded me of myself, because I have had several moments when I have felt like doing this exact same thing. Sometimes, when I'm with my boyfriend (which he's used to) and sometimes just around random people. I think for me, it's a way to cope with the numbness that I feel when my depression decides to make my life suck. Sometimes I just feel like I want or need to listen to someone's heartbeat, to kind of bring me back to this world or to tie me down here. I love that it's something like that though, I think that that's one of the things that's going to help me stop self-harming for good.

 Now all I need is a way to listen to my boyfriend's heart in public. Any Ideas? :)

A story: How's my Heart

Well, I wrote this based on an experience I had. It's posted on the website, but I figures that I might as well post it here too, for any non-HBP members (PS. Registration is open again, if you're interested in joining).

How's My Heart

We walk up the stairs and turn left into my room, he closes the door softly behind us and locks it with a soft click. I sit on the bed as he approaches, but instead of sitting beside me, he remains standing. I look up at him, in question and he smiles warmly, bending down slightly to place a soft kiss on my lips. He moves closer then, and placing a hand on my cheek, guides my head so that my ear lands in the perfect place on his chest. I sigh contentedly, closing my eyes as I listen to his heart. The slow beats relax me, and I feel a wave of peace sweep over me as I listen. 

Several minutes pass, and I move my head to gaze up at him, wordlessly appreciating the act. He takes another step closer to me and I hear a soft thudding noise. He looks slightly perplexed and says, "It looks like there's something under your bed,". He bends and slides something out from under the bed then picks it up, setting it in front of me. I feel a blush rising in my cheeks as I realize what he found.

It was an old cardboard box, unadorned, the type that once had held shoes or maybe the pair of headphones I bought online a year ago. Nothing really unique about it. However, time had passed, and it had become the home for my secrets.

His hand hovers over the lid and he looks at me with curiosity in his eyes, "Can I?" He asks.

My heart begins to pound, and my mind races, "What if he judges me? What if he decides that he can't handle this?" I think. I finally say a soft "yeah" and turn away, ashamed to see his reaction.

I hear the lid slide off and some rustling as he looks through the contents. After about a minute, he says, "What's this?" and I hear him slide something out of the box. I turn to him, afraid of what he might have found. 

He has a small smile on his face and when I look down, my purple stethoscope is in his hands. I sigh in relief and smile back at him. "Can I try it out?" He asks me.

I shrug my shoulders, but nod, and he eagerly slips the ear pieces in and places the disk on my chest. I jump a little at the sudden coolness, and study his face. He moves it around a bit, before finally settling slightly to the right of my breast. He grins, "It's a little bit fast, can you take a few deep breaths, and try to relax a bit." 

"Yes, doctor," I joke, but I comply.

The smile on his face is quickly replaced by a look of awe, "Wow, I can even hear your breathing," he says, seeming fascinated by it. Another minute passes, and finally he takes the stethoscope off. I open my mouth to explain everything else, when, to my surprise, he hands it to me, "Do you want a turn?" He asks me.

I take it from him and place the disk on his chest, relaxing again as I hear his heart beating strongly, although slightly quicker than before. I move it, to listen at another spot, marveling at how the sound changes. I place the disc again and listen some more, before finally setting aside the stethoscope. He pushes it aside, "How's my heart?" He asks me, seriously. 

"It sounds really good, a little bit quick, but very strong," I reply.

"Good," he says, placing it back in the box and putting the lid on again. He quickly slides it back under my bed and then lays down on his back, motioning for me to lay with him. "I love you," he says softly as I place my head gently on his chest, right over his heart. "I love you too," I tell him, pulling a blanket over us, and closing my eyes. I feel myself being lulled to sleep by the slow rhythm of his heartbeat, and allow myself to sink into sleep.

My favorite "heart" videos of the moment

Well, it's 2013 now... Pretty much the same old stuff happening, I got to have a nice long ear-stething session with my boyfriend yesterday, and that was wonderful.

Anyways, I've had a bit of trouble sleeping (again)  and so I figured I'd post some of my favorite heartbeat videos, because those have really helped me.

So, here it goes, (in no particular order):

1. The volume's really quiet, but I adore this!

2. I think this is a HBP member. Anyways, it's very relaxing, this user has many good videos

 

3.

4.

Also, I've found a cool little product for this. A bunch of different companies make speakers that are designed to go under your pillow to listen to music at night, I got one and I adore it! I very highly recommend them!

5 things to do while you're waiting for HBP to be back up

Yay! The HBP site went down a few days ago, this means that it'll be back up ( and much more functional) in a matter of days/weeks. The absence of the site might leave too much free time for some though, so here are 5 things to do while we're waiting:

1. Build/upgrade your steth mic
If you're into sharing, now's the perfect time to make some adjustments to your design. If you've never shared, but you're interested, it's a great time to start working on one. Feel free to email me or comment  if you'd like help on getting started!

2. Write Write Write!!
Ever had a dream or a secret fantasy related to this? Now is the perfect time to write it down. And DON'T say you can't write or that you aren't good at it. Anyone who is literate can learn how to write amazing things, the first step is simple to start writing!

3. Create a blog or a tumblr
Blogging can be so much fun, it's a chance to let your thoughts be heard and it's also a good place to be able to post your feelings, ideas, ect. It's interesting to be able to look back and remember the things you did and the things you thought about in the past.

4. Read and/or add to another site
There are tons of blogs and other things out there. You could add a story to a site like fanfiction.com or you could submit something to http://cardiophile-problems.tumblr.com/ .

5. Listen to someone's heart
Because it's awesome. Snuggle up with a significant other or a close friend, or use the time to 
finally tell someone how you feel about them (or their heart) 

I'm excited to see what the site updates bring, and I bet many of you are too. 
Until then, there are plenty of things to do.
Lily

How's my heart?

Wow, time sure seems to have flown.

Things have been getting better for the most part: I've been writing a lot and doing homework (of course), Thanksgiving came and went and was pretty decent, I've gotten to spend time with friends as well as my love.

The "heart-related" part of my life has shrunk dramatically in recent months, it's mainly involved two things in my life, writing and my boyfriend. I've also found that I'm not really so drawn to it outside of these two things, I mean, I still feel uncomfortable when someone starts talking about the subject of hearts, but it doesn't drift into my mind like it used to. 

Of course, as it has shrunk, the two remaining aspects have become much more important. Writing-wise, I have two short-stories that I'm working on that I'll probably be posting in the next few weeks. Boyfriend-wise, I've gotten to listen to his heart quite a bit. This is also where the title for this post comes from. Today we were just kind of hanging out, laying on my bed and talking and stuff and after a while we both kind of stopped talking. He was laying on his back (which was rather tempting for me) and so I rolled over and placed my head on his chest, he wrapped his arms around me and held me there while I listened and after about 10 minutes, when I was done, he asked in the sweetest way "How's my heart?". Of course I blushed (because I still have some problems with saying or even hearing someone say the word "heart") and I told him that it sounds wonderful.

Random Thought: I think that people who date cardiophiles are actually quite lucky. They have a partner who knows (in many cases) what kinds of murmurs and other sounds should be checked out by a doctor, and also, that person is more than willing to take a good long listen to their heart anytime.  I'm surprised that so many of my HBP friends are single, although I guess that most of them would be reluctant to go up to a guy/girl and say "Hey, I enjoy listening to heartbeats, want to go out for drinks sometime?". Still though, it seems like it'd certainly be a good thing.

Well, it's been a while

I really don't know what's going on.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing that really makes me happy is when I can just relax with my boyfriend.
Everything else either makes me stressed or apathetic.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep dealing with this.
I know it's not healthy that the only time I feel truly happy is when I get to listen to his heart, and be in his arms.
I know I should probably get help.
Logic would say that a therapist is a good idea.
But for my own sanity, I refuse.
I don't do therapy, I just don't.
I guess that the only thing there really is to do is to spend the time I can with my boyfriend.
And to just try to plow through everything else the best I can.


I'll hopefully get the motivation to post about something interesting later.
I suppose we'll see.

Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.

The Doctor (part 2)

Well, I survived... I suppose that's a good thing...

Basically, I went through the normal motions (weight, height, ect.). I had to wait a while for the doctor, and felt myself getting a bit anxious. When the doctor came into the room I tried to calm myself and hopped onto the table. I could feel my heart speeding up as she took my pulse, although that may have been due to the energy drink I downed about 3 hours before. She didn't comment much, which was good.
Finally, the moment I had been dreading, she took out her stethoscope and placed it on my chest. I sat there starting at the corner of the room and trying to pretend I wasn't there.
She finished that pretty fast and then had me lay down so she could listen again. She asked if I had a murmur (and I said I didn't think so). Then the rest of the normal stuff happened, I got 2 shots and also got some news I really wish I hadn't have had to get (I'll be ok though).
So, now I'm finally done, it didn't suck too much and I'm done for a year!

The Doctor

Well, it's getting to be that time of the year again... I have to go to the doctor for a physical.
I've generally been in fairly good health, so I haven't had to go to the doctor too much, but that's only made me more nervous about it.

I remember when I was little, probably about 10, I made a plan to be able to use the doctor's stethoscope on myself. I decided that I would act normal when the doctor came in, and I'd let her go about her business, and then, I would either ask if I could use her stethoscope or I would distract her and make her forget it in the room with me.

I anticipated this for weeks until the day of my appointment. I went in, went through the initial history, temperature, ect stuff. Next, the doctor held my wrist and took my pulse. She asked twice if I was nervous, and I kept saying no. 
That actually wasn't a lie, I wasn't nervous, I was excited. I could feel my heart reacting to my thoughts, as I imagined again how I'd casually ask the doctor to just leave the stethoscope in the room with me for a few minutes. The doctor finally took it from around her neck and placed the cold stethoscope on my chest. 
"Are you sure you're not nervous?" She said, sounding a little bit concerned.
"No," I said meekly
"Oh," She said "Your heart's beating pretty fast considering that you haven't been exercising,"
That turned out to be the wrong thing for her to say, I felt myself blush, and then turned my head so she wouldn't see it.
"It sounds nice and strong though," she told me
I refused to look at her, and was actually somewhat relieved when she finally put the stethoscope back around her neck and finished the examination. She turned to leave, and I hopped off the table so I could change into my clothes again, completely forgetting about the things I had planned to do. I was just glad that she was done talking about my heart.

The years after that were more or less the same, minus the extensive planning to borrow her stethoscope. I decided that it was easier to make do with my mother's steth (see My first HB experience) than to risk having the doctor learn about my interest.

Some things have happened recently and I'm not really nervous about visiting the doctor this year, at least not for that reason. Right now, I actually am dreading having my heart listened to. It just seems like such an invasion of myself, to let some random person use a cold metal device to be able to share in something that's always been really personal for me. I'm hoping everything goes alright though, and I'll be posting a follow-up later (hopefully).