Well, it's been a while

I really don't know what's going on.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing that really makes me happy is when I can just relax with my boyfriend.
Everything else either makes me stressed or apathetic.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep dealing with this.
I know it's not healthy that the only time I feel truly happy is when I get to listen to his heart, and be in his arms.
I know I should probably get help.
Logic would say that a therapist is a good idea.
But for my own sanity, I refuse.
I don't do therapy, I just don't.
I guess that the only thing there really is to do is to spend the time I can with my boyfriend.
And to just try to plow through everything else the best I can.


I'll hopefully get the motivation to post about something interesting later.
I suppose we'll see.

Empty

We all have emptiness inside
We all have answers to find
But you can't win this fight

- Welcome to the Family by Avenged Sevenfold

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now, just kind of empty. I'm trying so hard to remember about all of the things I love and why I love them, but for some reason, right now I just can't do it.  It's been making me think much more about the razor blades in my bathroom... But I know I can't do it. My little scratches and things like that can be explained by other things, but a deep clean cut couldn't.

This week has just been rediculously rough. I had the best day Sunday, though, I got to watch a movie with my boyfriend and then he let me just lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart for almost an hour. It was really wonderful and I loved every second. I really think that I'd be content to just lay next to him forever, hearing the strong beat of his heart and feeling his arms around me. It really is that good. Anyway, after that, I was just so rediculously tired. I mean, it's understandable that i'd be a bit sleepy after something so relaxing, but it lasted until freaking yesterday. That's right, I was so tired for 3 days, which meant that I didn't get much school or homework done on any of those days.

 Today, I've been somewhat ok, but for some reason, after school today, this bad awful feeling came over me. It was kind of like the one I felt the day I wrote I Walk Alone, but it was different because instead of feeling sad, I just felt so.... I don't know... I felt empty, but like I was going to cry or explode or something of the sort. The crisis was averted when I got home and played music as loudly as I could. It actually helped me to get rid of a lot of the tension I was feeling, but now it's almost worse. I'm just so empty, I feel like I could get in bed and just sleep away the rest of my life and not care. I hate thinking this way, because I know that it's generally the first thing that happens before someone becomes intensely depressed/suicidal. It's kind of an odd thing for me, I know that I don't want to kill myself, because I know things will get better, But I still have these awful feelings that won't go away until they're good and ready.

The Doctor (part 2)

Well, I survived... I suppose that's a good thing...

Basically, I went through the normal motions (weight, height, ect.). I had to wait a while for the doctor, and felt myself getting a bit anxious. When the doctor came into the room I tried to calm myself and hopped onto the table. I could feel my heart speeding up as she took my pulse, although that may have been due to the energy drink I downed about 3 hours before. She didn't comment much, which was good.
Finally, the moment I had been dreading, she took out her stethoscope and placed it on my chest. I sat there starting at the corner of the room and trying to pretend I wasn't there.
She finished that pretty fast and then had me lay down so she could listen again. She asked if I had a murmur (and I said I didn't think so). Then the rest of the normal stuff happened, I got 2 shots and also got some news I really wish I hadn't have had to get (I'll be ok though).
So, now I'm finally done, it didn't suck too much and I'm done for a year!

The Doctor

Well, it's getting to be that time of the year again... I have to go to the doctor for a physical.
I've generally been in fairly good health, so I haven't had to go to the doctor too much, but that's only made me more nervous about it.

I remember when I was little, probably about 10, I made a plan to be able to use the doctor's stethoscope on myself. I decided that I would act normal when the doctor came in, and I'd let her go about her business, and then, I would either ask if I could use her stethoscope or I would distract her and make her forget it in the room with me.

I anticipated this for weeks until the day of my appointment. I went in, went through the initial history, temperature, ect stuff. Next, the doctor held my wrist and took my pulse. She asked twice if I was nervous, and I kept saying no. 
That actually wasn't a lie, I wasn't nervous, I was excited. I could feel my heart reacting to my thoughts, as I imagined again how I'd casually ask the doctor to just leave the stethoscope in the room with me for a few minutes. The doctor finally took it from around her neck and placed the cold stethoscope on my chest. 
"Are you sure you're not nervous?" She said, sounding a little bit concerned.
"No," I said meekly
"Oh," She said "Your heart's beating pretty fast considering that you haven't been exercising,"
That turned out to be the wrong thing for her to say, I felt myself blush, and then turned my head so she wouldn't see it.
"It sounds nice and strong though," she told me
I refused to look at her, and was actually somewhat relieved when she finally put the stethoscope back around her neck and finished the examination. She turned to leave, and I hopped off the table so I could change into my clothes again, completely forgetting about the things I had planned to do. I was just glad that she was done talking about my heart.

The years after that were more or less the same, minus the extensive planning to borrow her stethoscope. I decided that it was easier to make do with my mother's steth (see My first HB experience) than to risk having the doctor learn about my interest.

Some things have happened recently and I'm not really nervous about visiting the doctor this year, at least not for that reason. Right now, I actually am dreading having my heart listened to. It just seems like such an invasion of myself, to let some random person use a cold metal device to be able to share in something that's always been really personal for me. I'm hoping everything goes alright though, and I'll be posting a follow-up later (hopefully).

Sick (and very tired)

So I don't know what exactly happened, but I woke up this morning feeling like someone had scraped the inside of my throat with sandpaper. I had to go to school, which sucked, but after I got home, I went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up with the weirdest feeling, I was really hot and my heart was absolutely pounding. Although on a normal day, I'd probably think it was cool and take a listen or something, but today it just really annoyed me.

I actually got kind of angry, but I was too tired to get up and try to do anything about it, so I pretty much kicked off my covers and turned on some music in an attempt to calm down.
Right now, I'm at about 80, which seems pretty good to me, consideiring that I have a fever of like 100.
The good news is that I shouldn't have to go to school tomorrow, because I'm sick. I'm hoping I'll have time for a more interesting post then.

6 random things I'm thinking about

1. The biology class I'm taking this year. I've already looked through the textbook and we're going to be learning about human anatomy this year.  I'm really not looking forward to it. I already know that I'm going to have to let somebody take my pulse and sit through at least an hour of the teacher talking about hearts and all of that stuff and I just don't want to do it! I even hate the word heart! I also have no clue what I'm going to do in class because I really can't say the word "heart", like not at all...

2. My heart stopping. I've always found it a bit intriguing, I guess, thinking about my heart just stopping (and thus me dying). Death seems like a strange concept too, on one hand it seems peaceful, but it also just seems kind of weird. I guess there's just something about the fact that the transition between life and death can be so quick that just kind of fascinates me. I'm also really not scared of death, which I suppose is good, although I'm terrified of losing people I love. It's just kind of an odd thing for me to think about, one moment my heart is beating and I'm alive. The next moment, it stops and I'm more or less dead (my physical body is technically dead).

3. The nature of this interest. It's starting to change, but to my surprise, I'm actually getting less interested in the interest. Also, I've found that I am much more interested in cuddling and ear stething than I am in doing an actual examination with a stethoscope or anything that's sexual. I guess it's just another change though, maybe things will change more. 

4. The song Better Than Drugs by Skillet. Yes, it says the word "heartbeat" like 10 times, but I just love this song. A Lot.

5. Coffee. Because I love caffeine, way more than I should. My boyfriend says that he worries that I'm going to have a few too many energy drinks and have problems, but I don't think that will happen. I think it's sweet that he cares though. He told me that he cares about my heart and wants to make sure that I'm ok. I find it a bit interesting, but also a little sad, that sometimes he worries about my and my health more than I do.

6. My boyfriend, because I love him to death. And because he's amazing and he's so accepting of this interest, which I love!

Anyway, that's about what I'm thinking, minus some of the scary hell-ish stuff that is my mind. I'm gonna go get some coffee and then probably go to bed, because that's pretty much what I do.

A sweet moment for me

So, I've been coping with stuff a lot better now, and I think I'm getting better.

Yesterday, I got to spend some time with my boyfriend, which was awesome because I hadn't seen him in a while. He seems like he's really getting into my little heart interest. While we were watching a movie, he put his arms around me and just kind of held me for a bit. A couple minutes into the movie I noticed that his hand had moved a bit lower and was resting directly over my heart. He kept it there for a while and commented once that I must have gotten a bit scared because my heart was beating much quicker.

After the movie, we were just kind of sitting around and talking. We had kind of a quiet moment and I slowly slid my hand up his shirt and put it over his heart. I noticed that if was beating faster than it usually is, and when I commented, he seemed happy about it, and laid down so I could put my ear on his chest to listen, which was awesome.

Generally, it was a really sweet and nice day for me and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.